I've Had A Few
Where your Humble Scribe talks about some of the things he's gotten wrong over the last decade.
I had an overarching ethos for my life — or, I told myself that I did. My guess is that everyone at one point or another has told themselves the same thing:
I want to live my life with as few regrets as possible.
Pretty sure that is what we tell ourselves when we are looking at the things we got so ridiculously wrong, to put them into perspective. The greatest regret I had, or have, in my life, is that I didn’t resolve things with my mother before she died in 2004.
The truth, Dearest Reader, is that I have a lot more regrets in my life than I want to admit.
Highest on that list is the amount of people I hurt in the last few years. I puffed myself out so much that I thought I could get away with damned near anything. Dating two women at the same time and lying to both about the other. Having so much pride that I bullied my way into positions I had no business being in, and squandering the opportunities once I got there. There were people I considered close friends that I took advantage of, who will never trust me again.
So, sure: I have a lot of things I regret. Deeply. I’ve tried to make amends, and truly apologize to the people I have hurt or disappointed. Some heard and understood, many more have not. I accept that. I have to — forgiveness needs to be earned, and if their choice is to shut that door, I understand why they have every reason to.
This year, my focus is on rebuilding my life. Being “smaller.” Making better decisions. And while I can’t say, in anything resembling good conscience, that I’ll live with “no regrets,” I can say my goal is to be as kind, present, and intentional in my actions as possible.
I hope you’ll help me hold to that goal.